Good morning and Merry Christmas! Still dark here in Hawaii; various stages of Christmas Day across the US. In Australia, it’s tomorrow. Whatever. Anyway, I was just thinking, upon waking up and laying there with the tiny and surprisingly heavy forms of the little dogs sprinkled about, and unfortunately no Nick because he’s out of town: I wrote a very happy blog yesterday, because (despite it all, 2020!) I am very happy, but there are definitely absolutely people feeling suicidal today, and at this point in the 2020 (mind)game. I mean, there are always reasons to feel suicidal and people feeling suicidal, but Christmas in 2020 is perhaps an example of the conditions that would lead even the average person to consider suicide being literally orchestrated by our Deep State leaders; massaged and kneaded into a very yeasty dough that rises and rises and rises some more, just when you thought it couldn’t. I know for me personally, I’m always about three things going wrong away from being in a very bad mood as opposed to a very good mood (they told me in grad school not to use “very”, it’s a trash word, but fuck ‘em); but you know, I think we’re all, always, about three major life ingredients closer to, or further from, a potentially suicidal state. For example, let’s take me: I’m happy with my relationships, my work, and my location. If all three of those things were to be feeling awful, all at once, this life would be a whole different ballgame. Or it could be another three: my relationships, my impression of reality based on the news sources I trust, and my physical body. Or it could be my impression of reality based on news sources, my income, plus one bonus childhood trauma resurfacing. I mean really, any three things. One won’t do it; two won’t do it; three will do it.
And Christmas, of all days. Christmas, in the year when, depending on what news you’ve been sourcing, EITHER a monstrous faction, funded and directed at the absolute highest levels, has attempted to take over our country in a bold-faced coup, OR — what is the normies believe these days? — it’s hard for me to get my head far enough up my ass to even contemplate it for suicidal-outlook-commiseration purposes, but I guess it’s like: a horrible virus swept across the world, killing so many people (no, for reals, it did; and the fact that the overall deaths in any given nation or region for this year are no greater and in most cases less than last year or any year in the past decade and a half simply means that this virus is so deadly that people don’t even die from other things, anymore; they only die from COVID. In fact, if you do commit suicide, it will still be COVID that really killed you), creating also a host of chronic and debilitating life-long side effects even for the survivors, which we somehow knew was true like 6 weeks into the whole deal, and necessitating a series of sweeping and pro-active public health policy decisions, the likes and duration of which we’ve never seen, because they’re crazy; and somehow right in the middle of that, it became apparent to us that all cops are terrible and need to be defunded and all whites are racists intrinsically and all people of color — oh no, ‘POC’ isn’t enough anymore, it’s got to be ‘BIPOC’ for ‘black and indigenous people of color’ — oh no, that’s not enough anymore either, it’s got to be ‘BIPOCx’ meaning I guess whatever gender, except the X chromosome is the female chromosome so that’s kind of confusing, but no more confusing than…just any of it…so anyhow, in the middle of the totally legitimate public health emergency, we realized that BIPOCx’s in this country are living in 1619-type conditions in a actually literal way, and everything everywhere needs to be changed, and anyone who objects for any reason is a (systemic) racist, no matter what color they are. And then, frankly, it gets a little hazy for me. It was like…all of this is Trump’s fault…and then new lockdowns and cases spiking and everyone blaming Trump rallies and not the flaming, homicidal peaceful protests…and then, like magic, all the liberals stopped claiming the now nightly riots were simply eruptions of people’s passion and pain, and instead became like geographical apologists. “It’s ONLY happening in this ONE TINY AREA, stop being dramatic.” And then I feel like abortion got hot again, and suddenly some chick on Facebook who used to be rational was screeching at me, YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN SUPPORT A WOMAN’S RIGHT TO CHOOOOOOOOOOSE, like apropos of nothing — I’m over here just rolling around with an IUD like I always have, looking surprised and perturbed like the white cat in the meme where the desperate housewives are yelling at it (PS, the Desperate Housewives of Atlanta, the Desperate Housewives of Orange County — I amuse myself by titling them all more appropriately: the Useless Women of Atlanta, the Useless Women of Orange Country, etc). And then Biden picked Kamala, and now finally we had this strong, fierce, beautiful woman to all look up to, and admire, and everything was gonna be okay, but omg Trump was just being a major racist/sexist/bigot and refusing to…what’s the action verb here? I always forget. Refusing to…denounce! That’s it. I always forget it and I have to google “Trump refuses to white supremacy” and then the internet is like “denounce denounce denounce!” And then I feel like by this time the Liberals and the Conservatives just stopped even really arguing with each other, or maybe it was only in my life. It was just a mutual “okay then, y’all crazy” abandonment. And police clashes with Antifa/BLM became normal, white chicks melting down in their cars (while driving!!!) about ACB became normal, more MAGA rallies, more virus, more lockdowns, and it emerged as apparent that the MSM really is fake news, but somehow everyone sucking at the teat of the fake news couldn’t get that, and then the election, and then despite every single outrageous abnormality about the election, that’s never happened before in the history of the country, the media called it for Biden and all the normies were like, “Yay, we won! In a way that totally makes sense and doesn’t trigger any degree of suspicious or alarm whatsoever!” And now it’s just like, the calm before the storm, where — I guess there are probably people out there thinking this is gonna be a deal where there’s an administrative transition to power in January and the country will begin healing? Lmaooooo!? I feel that no one could be that misled, but every time I’ve felt that before….lots of people were that misled. Oh, and of course the recent $600 vs $2k stimulus fiasco. But yes, I would THINK that anyone, anywhere, would be able to feel that things are afoot, and, ah…they stand to get a lot more “afoot” before this is all over.
Sorry, I’m really bad at channeling normie-think.
But anyway — obviously if I believed all that, I would want to kill myself, mainly because the part of me that found it impossible to believe all that would be constantly at war with whatever part of myself was hooked up to that bullshit IV.
But I digress. There are plenty, and I mean plenty, of really good, really understandable reasons to kill yourself, or to want to, these days and today particularly. Just the no-end-in-sightness of it all. The absolute dismantling of personal power, personal autonomy, personal authority, personal instinct. Again, there’s a whole bunch of us out here not accepting that as true, and not living it as true, but not everyone has crossed that particular Rubicon. The loneliness of this year. The loss, for so many, of everything, everything, fucking everything they’ve built, invested in, created, nurtured, cherished. The gyms closing, on top of it all. I mean, in lots of places, people have been prohibited from even exercising outside. Like, they can go out for groceries OR they can go for a jog, but not both. Insane. And the news cycle is so addictive. So hard, if you’re lonely, and prohibited from doing any normal thing at all, to just sit in your house and hook up to that IV. It’s a very very toxic stew, for a lot of people, no matter their perspectives on what it all means. What it all means, on the personal level, is a dull daily misery that shows no sign of letting up. And when it does “let up” — what then? We have no economy. They might personally have no way to reinvent the wheel that was destroyed. I mean, with what money, you know? And there are people who’ve been trapped alone, feeling like they’re gonna go out of their minds, and people trapped with their kids, feeling like they’re gonna go out of their minds but in a different way, and people trapped with spouses and family members who, yeah, it might be cool to hang out with them under normal circumstances but you don’t wanna go through the end of the world with them. I almost lost my mind just the other day, trying to wrangle my dad at the grocery store, and that’s so incredibly minor compared to what so many millions of people are facing right now, and have been facing.
So! I just felt inspired to wake up, this Christmas am, and acknowledge that there might even be someone reading my blog who’s feeling suicidal. You never know — my boss at International, Tracy, killed himself right after I got off fires in 2018, as I was about to come online to be available to work for him again. I had always gotten along with him so well — he loved Buffy, would pick us up at the airport or drop us off, depending on which way the heavy truck transport job was going, ask me about drinking distilled water versus mineralized, just all kinds of things. He always gave me cherry jobs, too, and I did my best to get in on time or ahead of schedule. Ah! It’s hard to describe what it’s like to lose someone to suicide who isn’t, you know, like a close close friend or family member, but I tell ya — I hate that I lost Tracy that way. I don’t think that guy had any idea how special he was to me, for instance, on top of all the other people he mattered to. I was like: I know he was super stressed at work; idk what else was going on. But why didn’t he just — change everything? Why didn’t he book a cruise and say, “I’ll kill myself AFTER this cruise if I still want to”? Why didn’t he jump into a train boxcar and ride to Chicago, hobo-style? Why didn’t he lay in bed at home for a solid month, if that’s what he needed, watching Netflix and eating Dominoes? I mean, anything.
I think suicide is a big step, let’s say. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. So, in light of that — why not enjoy making all the big moves you’d never otherwise dream of? Like the KillDozer guy in Greeley, Colorado? His suicide, planned for two years, was a work of art; an engineering marvel. He didn’t actually kill anyone else, on his way out, but he did destroy 13 buildings, including the courthouse and the judge’s private residence. When you read the details of the story, you really understand why he felt that way, and why they had it coming. But I mean: that was an epic suicide. Makes you realize how impoverished our thinking is, on this subject. I never advocate hurting others — hello, vegan over here — but I think it’s just insane to go along in your same little track, doing all the things, privately hating it, and then one day just politely off yourself. Oh, pardon me, wouldn’t want to get in anyone’s way while I’m offing myself! No. Get UP, get OUT, out of your lane, out of your head, out of your town, out of your job, out of your relationship, whatever it is, and give yourself experience after experience after experience. Fuck all the paper tigers, especially when you not even wanting to live is the biggest actual threat. We need to keep running new experiences through our gills to derive the will to live, just like fish need to keep running water through their gills to derive oxygen.
And then also, I think it’s worth noting that all this stuff about suicide being a mortal sin, and no one having the “right” to commit suicide, and it being an essentially selfish act, and all that — NOT helpful. Of course we all have the right to kill ourselves, lol, probably above and beyond any other human right, truly. I mean: yeah. I’m just not sure our normal approach to responding to someone’s suicidal intent is very helpful. Oh no no no, you have everything to live for, that’s a bad wrong thing for you to do, x y z. Suicidal people don’t tell anyone how they’re feeling because everyone is guaranteed to offer the same default response, the same reflexive sentiments. We’re really bad at being with one another, in pain, because we’re really bad at being with ourselves, in pain.
So, the idea of presence is I suppose my last contribution to this topic, today. Presence is when you show up for something — within yourself or in relation to someone else — and you don’t attempt to change it, at all. You don’t try to fix it or heal it or rush it or rationalize it or see the silver lining about it. Presence is the most powerful, ironically transformative alchemy in the universe, and we all have this super power, although we rarely use it. Presence deeply deeply accepts the emotion as it is, exactly as it is. With presence, the emotion is no longer alone. Even our loneliness is no longer alone, when we offer it presence. I’d recommend a big steaming dose of Teal Swan or Eckhart Tolle, if you want to learn more about how to really “do” presence — nothing I could ever say would be as helpful and refined as their unique, truly god-sources perspectives.
So, dodging things I’m not an expert at, let just come back around to saying, if you’re feeling suicidal today, or any day, learn to give that feeling (despair, anger, whatever flavor of suicidal you are) PRESENCE. Not ‘instead of’ killing yourself. Guess what — you still get to kill yourself at the end of the experiment, if you so choose. No one can take that away from you, so that means there’s no rush. If you want to really trip balls before making your exit, though, take a deep dive into presence. Show yourself that there’s not a single emotion you can feel, no matter how turbulent or destructive, that you can’t also split off part of your psyche in order to give presence to. Show yourself, additionally, that there’s not a single emotion another person can feel, no matter how much they disapprove of you, or blame you, or step on you in whatever way, that you can’t offer presence to as well. Presence is the “wall” against the pain that you’ve been looking for, except it’s actually effective, because it’s not a wall at all. It’s water, it’s yielding, it’s your god force. It transforms pain. That’s what presence does.
And if you encounter someone who is suicidal today, or any day, same thing goes. Don’t offer the same reflexive bullshit they could get from literally anyone else. I mean, we could create, like, suicide soundbyte machines, like those blood pressure machines at Sam’s Club. You just sit down, push the button, and it says, “No, you have everything to live for!” Don’t oppose them, don’t argue with them. Don’t try to deconstruct their reasoning. Feel into it, deeply. Feel into the highly nuanced particularities of their emotions, their situation. Not in order to fix it, not in order to solve it, not in order to turn that frown upside down. Feel it with them so that they can have someone to feel it with. That’s all. Give presence like you’ve never given it before. It is the most magnificent gift we can give one another, or ourselves. And I think Christmas Day 2020 is the perfect day to test drive this gift.
And remember: the difference between feeling suicidal versus wanting to live; or feeling very bad as opposed to very good; is usually only like three things. Three things in your life, going more or less right, more or less wrong. That’s not so many, right?
Okay, everyone. Much love.