There’s a lady here showering already, and then I know from yesterday she’s gonna spend a long time doing her hair, after, at the mirror. She’ll seem really tired meanwhile. She was like a zombie when she got over here. I’m like, yeah — being really tired is what happens when you choose shower and hair over sleep. God knows I wouldn’t be up if this wasn’t my job. I care about my hair a lot but not that much. It’s the middle of the night.
Oh, speaking of women caring about things, I can’t believe we’re not out from under the abortion deal yet. My main issue with the issue is that we’re not handing out tax-rebate IUD’s to any woman that wants one. I feel like, if I could take out a big enough ad, and tell enough people that they can stop melting down and just go get an IUD, the entire country’s x-chromosome would be like, “….oh!”
I was hanging out with Handwash Station Julie yesterday, in her awesome 1992 motorhome in a yonder parking lot, and she has an IUD too. I’ve had one for…longer than you’re supposed to have one, without replacing it. I know VERY FEW women who have them, and all of the ones who do are 100% satisfied, and also 100% not pregnant.
Why have only very few of us clued into these little miracles? These “baby killing robots” as my awful friend Beth used to say. They’re really not — I mean, they prevent the attachment of a fertilized egg to the uterine lining, through pH interference or something, and I think even the most entrenched Bible thumper could give that a pass.
I have this really cute, tight-fitting, thin fabric cream tee shirt that I love to wear, and it says “A pork chop stops a beating heart”, with sort of a beep-beep-flatline medical-vitals background, and a little pig’s cute face, and then it says PETA. I saw it on a dummy in the window of a tee-shirt design store, in Phoenix, and I rushed in and just had to have it. It was the only one, and had been just a prototype or sample or whatever, of their printing process. I love that shirt.
Anyway, when Nick and I were first dating, he had flirted with being v-curious but psychologically distanced himself because he thought lifting made that impossible. So I wore this shirt once and he goes, “That’s a little extreme, don’t you think.”
I was like, “Look dude — I don’t when life starts. At conception or in three days or three months or when. But when a creature has to be literally shackled up and is squealing for its life and trying to twist away from you, and kill it anyway — that’s pretty clearly murder!”
He has since changed his mind, and not because I changed it for him, but because his realization that there is another, totally viable way allowed the floodgates of his own integrity, empathy, and compassion to resurge to its natural levels, which is exactly what would happen with all women if they would realize that there’s an ethical and perfectly viable way to avoid accidental pregnancy — an IUD. I’d love it if we could all achieve the luxury to speculate, “Hey — it does seem pretty problematic for both the fetus and the mother, to stab it through the back of the skull, when it’s developed enough to even have a skull, and drag it out of the womb as a form of birth control.”
Nick is now a softer and more easily saddened teddy bear about animals than I am, even, because I have more years under my belt of having to look these things in the eye. And neither of us is a fan of abortion, and in fact some really interesting stuff has emerged about the openly eugenicist perspective of the founder of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger. And then when you look at the sheer number of specifically black babies that are aborted every year, it’s extra disturbing. Abortion kills more black people than HIV, homicide, diabetes, accidents, cancer, and heart disease combined, if we are willing to call fetuses “people” for a moment. 28% of all black pregnancies are terminated by abortion.
But see, I don’t feel I even need to die on the hill of pro-life or pro-choice or women’s rights vs responsibilities, or have any specific opinions about when life “begins” or how access to abortion plays out, ethically or legally or racially, because there’s such an easy workaround. It’s made me confused for years that we don’t just hand out IUD’s. They rank the highest in contraceptive efficacy of any form of birth control (after male sterilization, which is apples to oranges imo — that’s like including men’s dicks being chopped off in industrial accidents as a form of birth control lol), they’re cheap, it’s a one-time expense, they don’t affect hormone levels like all these other types of birth control (except the Mirena, which does, and which I avoided for that reason), AND, maybe best of all, they can be removed when conception is desirable. I mean, you don’t have to wait for any hormones to reset so your baby won’t get messed up — you can take it out and try to get pregnant right away. It seems obvious to me that the IUD is a fantastic, affordable, reliable way to not get pregnant when you don’t want to, and to also resume getting pregnant when you do want to.
But we’re having this whole national debate about abortion like we’re on the brink of some goddamn Margaret Atwood dystopia! It’s just crazy. It’s just proves to me that we don’t want solutions, we want drama, churn, conflict.
As usual, there’s a way to just quietly get your needs met without marching in the streets or filming your TikTok meltdown while driving (shout out to the white girls).
And frankly, I have a personal beef with Planned Parenthood. Maybe they’re great, maybe not, but if that’s supposed to be my go-to for female medical issues, I’m not impressed. Like, Nick was under the impression that they’re totally subsidized and handing out services for free and urging abortions and all that. And we do know, now, that they are selling baby parts for profit. I mean, one of the blips on the radar with Kamala Harris’ VP nomination was that a team of undercover journalists in California exposed the PP/aborted baby parts scandal, and took it to the AG at the time, who was of course Harris, and she took legal action against them! The journalists! Not Planned Parenthood for selling baby parts, but the journalists! Unbelievable. And if you google it, the top hit will be Snopes, laying on its fucking back and saying it’s not true, followed by a list of ten articles explaining that it’s 100% true.
But anyway, I don’t really know how it works if you walk through the door and you’re black, but I’m white with chronically no insurance, and I’ve been charged assloads of money by Planned Parenthood over the years, and I just stopped going. The money was one thing but here’s what I really hated: they treated me like I was some kind of diseased crack whore for just wanting to get the STD all-clear between relationships or on the brink of starting a new relationship. I have always thought, getting tested for STD’s should be SO fast, so easy, so cheap, perhaps even anonymous, something you can do almost like getting your blood pressure tested. I mean, if we want people to not be spreading them around, let’s normalize it, make it feel utterly routine.
INSTEAD, Planned Parenthood would schedule me, ask me for me insurance, act miffed that I don’t have insurance, give me the bad news of the arm and a leg it’s gonna cost me without insurance (not a dead baby’s arm and leg, in this case), I gotta come back in two weeks, so I come back, some bitch with a clipboard looks at me like I just got done sucking off the football team behind a dumpster at Arby’s, asks me a bunch of questions, disapproves of all my answers, tells me there’s no excuse for anyone to have sex without a condom, under any circumstances, regardless of the monogamy or duration of a relationship, assures me that my partner will cheat on me if he hasn’t already, assures me that he’ll bring home an STD even if I don’t, tells me I should assume I already have one that’s simply incubating, draws my blood like it’s her first fucking time — I mean, I almost took the syringe away from one of these hags and was like “Jesus, let me do it” — offers me a few final words of scathing judgement, and then voila — I can come back for the results….IN TWO WEEKS. Not convenient, not cheap, not comfortable, not understanding, not fast, not anything any reasonable customer would want. And here I am, being the good girl, actually getting myself checked for STD’s when most other people are just pulling the trigger on new partners without that step, and they’re treating me like I’m this promiscuous dumpster fire!
And women are, you know, out marching for Planned Parenthood. That’s like marching for the MVD. “We support this abusive form of mediocre customer service!” And other people are blowing up clinics and shooting abortion doctors. I’m like, “Have we actually checked that the violence was connected to abortion? It could just as easily have been connected to how bad they are at drawing blood and getting your results back to you.” I’ve met other women that report underwhelming experiences in this same vein. Some young gals at a bar were telling me their Planned Parenthood clipboard expert asked their number of partners and then immediately expressed judgement about the answer — “That’s quite a lot, don’t you think?” The fact is, women who even show up to check their STD status are at least the ones doing their diligence so I don’t think shaming them needs to be part of the exam.
I don’t really like to consider abortion itself. If women have had one, I understand certainly, but I’ve always known I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want to have that date on the calendar come up for the rest of my life, with me thinking, “My kid would have been this many years old today.” And, selfishly, I wouldn’t want to artificially terminate my hormonal/emotional/spiritual process right in the middle of a big ramp up; I wouldn’t assume that would feel very good for me, short term or long term. I totally get that unplanned pregnancies wreck intended life trajectories, obviously. And whether it’s PC or not (it’s not), I do think it’s important for women to be choosy about sexual partners and sexual timelines because there’s simply more at stake for us, across all dimensions. I don’t really know if medical advances are possible in the male birth control department, short of actual vasectomy — I know I got a vasectomy for my male rabbit and then he still impregnated my female rabbit, years ago, when I had pet rabbits. There’s probably no perfect solution, as even non-hormonal IUD’s still result in like 0.8 pregnancies per hundred women, but I just don’t think that this reproductive rights battle needs to be the flame out it currently is, given that we already have perfectly viable birth control in the form of IUD’s.
And it continues to feel to me that “women’s rights” can’t seem to disentangle itself from an assumption that enabling women to function exactly like men, and just as spiritually disconnected from the consequences of their actions as men, is a form of empowerment. Guess what: men aren’t empowered either. It’s not a good goal. If we really want to be equal, let’s draft women to go to war, and have our heads shaved in boot camp like everyone else, and make sure we lose custody battles at the same rate men do, and ramp up those rookie numbers in suicide and drug overdose, so we can be really equal. No one considers any of that empowering, but let’s just take it to its furthest illogical conclusion, right?
Personally, I dream of a world where men try to get into women’s pants, predictably, and women say, “Well, I agree that would be nice, but I haven’t seen enough evidence of this situation with you supporting me in all the possible outcomes and ramifications of that decision, so let’s just keep having dinner dates.” Now that’s a power move. And she could even have a 99.92% effective form of birth control on board, or even 100%, and this would still be ideal! Our focus should be less on preventing pregnancy, and more on preventing piece of shit men from getting laid in the first place, for everyone’s sake. That’s a flex. Become not a piece of shit, or become an incel; your choice. Because even in the event of successfully avoiding an unwanted pregnancy, or even terminating an unwanted pregnancy, with a piece of shit partner, there’s still the emotional fallout to deal with. Unpopular opinion alert: we women simply aren’t hardwired to thrive in transactional sexual situations. It’s not good for us. It’s never been good for us, it will never be good for us, and no amount of legal abortion or effective birth control can change that.
And here’s some even more hard to swallow pills: men aren’t either! No matter what their stupid bro culture tells them, transactional, impulsive sex isn’t in anyone’s best interests. It’s just not. And you know how they always say, the free market regulates itself — well, it kind of does, in the form of people who engage in impulsive, transactional sex being taken off the market by the crushing demands of childcare or the alternately crushing demands of paying child support. I know, it’s not a perfect model, but it’s not a perfect problem. Men will never stop trying to get into women’s pants — I mean, would we really even want them to? — but even if unwanted pregnancy was not at stake, women’s spiritual and emotional best interests demand more. And the more consciously women are able to align with their own best interests at the outset, the more men’s best interests will also be served as a result. I’m not wrong. The number of encounters with paid prostitutes that involve simply talking and allowing a man to emotionally unload and be himself are apparently pretty high. We can critique the various ways we’ve made it unsafe for men to experience emotionality outside and even inside of sexual partnerships, if we want, but even taking it at face value, the evidence is in: even men who only want sex, don’t actually only want sex. They don’t know what they want, but they know it’s somehow connected to sex. And they’re right; it is.
This can easily be mistaken for an argument in favor of abstinence til marriage, in which case I would be a total hypocrite, but it’s deeper than that. And that’s an outdated model anyway, in a world where more than 50% of marriages end in crushing single motherhood and crushing child support payments. Marriage is statistically less reliable than literally any form of birth control.
This just seems, to me, one of those areas where we’re so busy asking how that we forget to ask why. An arms race to perfectly gender-equal sexual transactionalism is…questionable. I’m a big fan of the volcel movement, for both men and women, which makes perfect sense if you compare it to literally any analogous situation where we’re rightfully picky. We don’t want to work just anywhere, we don’t want to eat just any food, we don’t want to wear just any clothes, we don’t want to have just any friends, we don’t want to live in just any house. We want the best for ourselves, the best we can afford and envision. And then, nonsensically, we behave as if sex — sex, of all things! — needs to be treated as a steady stream of uninterrupted wifi. Oh no, now it’s 3G not 5G — oh well, at least I still have sex service. Unbelievable.
And even in our second-most fucked up area of consumption, food, we still have the insight to grasp that the libido of appetite DOES actually serve to connect us to nutrition. However well our poorly we accomplish our nourishment, we essentially get that that’s what’s supposed to happen, when we get hungry, and in fact that’s why we get hungry. Libido is an appetite, connecting us to emotional and spiritual nourishment. Working even harder to sever the nourishment part of the equation from the appetite solves nothing, and creates as many problems as if we were to attempt the same thing with food.
Point blank — and no one wants to hear this — our sexual and reproductive selves are a personal responsibility that overlaps with all our other roles and interests in the world, and functioning independently of them is not intended or even desirable, if we hope to become more fully self-realized. This is true for males and females alike. Low-consequences sexual transactionalism isn’t any better for us than rigidly enforced, obligatory marital feudalism. If we’re mad at anything, let’s be mad that we didn’t get the memo about IUD’s — not that some people find it objectionable and even unethical to dismember unborn babies in the womb and then suction them out, at varying stages of their development. If we didn’t have a distorted impression of our own interests at stake, all of us would find that objectionable and even abominable.